Parenting Through a Psychoanalytic Lens: Insights from a Therapist-Father

Psychotherapists are trained, in theory, to leave their personal opinions and biases at the office door, approaching each patient without judgment. In practice, all psychotherapists are also people, and we all have our own lives and histories which, even if we don't bring them up in conversation, nonetheless inform our practices and beliefs. One of my most important roles outside of work–per

haps the most important role I hold–is that of a parent. This blog post will provide parenting advice from the perspective of a licensed psychotherapist who is also a father, as well as insights on childhood development from a psychoanalytic perspective. With these insights, gained from both my personal and professional experiences, I hope you will feel empowered to be the best parent you can be.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, children are complex beings with rich inner lives from the earliest stages of development. Even infants possess unconscious drives, anxieties, and defenses that shape their behavior and relationships. As parents, recognizing this complexity helps us respond to our children with greater empathy and understanding.

Moments of care, play, and correction, can help build within children the ability to regulate their emotions.

When your toddler has a meltdown over wearing the "wrong" socks, they're not simply being difficult. They're expressing unconscious anxieties about control, identity, and their place in the world. The psychoanalytic concept of the ego teaches us that children are constantly working to balance their internal desires with external demands. Our role as parents is to provide consistent, understanding support as they develop these crucial psychological capacities.

This understanding has transformed how I approach discipline in my own home. Rather than viewing challenging behaviors as defiance to be corrected, I try to see them as communications about underlying emotional needs. This doesn't mean permissiveness, but rather responding with curiosity about what my child might be experiencing internally while maintaining necessary boundaries.

Psychoanalytic theory emphasizes that our earliest relationships form the template for all future connections. The attachment relationship between parent and child becomes the foundation upon which emotional regulation, trust, and self-worth are built. This knowledge can feel overwhelming, but it's also empowering.

Every moment of attunement with your child—those times when you accurately read and respond to their emotional state—contributes to their developing sense of security and self-worth. When you comfort your crying infant or validate your preschooler's disappointment about a canceled playdate, you're helping them internalize the experience of being understood and valued. This doesn't require perfection. The psychoanalytic concept of "good enough" parenting reminds us that children actually benefit from manageable frustrations and disappointments. These experiences, when they occur within a generally supportive relationship, help children develop resilience and coping skills.

Understanding defense mechanisms has been invaluable in my parenting journey. When my child becomes aggressive after a difficult day at school, I recognize this as displacement: redirecting feelings that feel too dangerous to express directly toward the source. Instead of simply addressing the behavior, I try to help them identify and process the underlying emotions.

Creating space for emotional expression is crucial. Children need permission to feel angry, sad, or scared without immediate correction or reassurance. Simple phrases like "You seem really frustrated about that" or "It makes sense that you'd feel worried" validate their internal experience while modeling emotional vocabulary. In addition, the concept of projection guides my approach. When children accuse parents of being "mean" or "unfair," they're often projecting their own aggressive feelings outward. Rather than becoming defensive, I try to remain curious about what they might be struggling with internally.

One of the most valuable gifts we can give our children is the ability to understand and articulate their emotional experiences. Regular family conversations about feelings, both positive and negative, normalize the full spectrum of human emotion. Reading stories together and discussing characters' motivations helps children develop psychological mindedness. I've learned to pay attention to patterns in my child's behavior and emotional responses. These patterns often reflect underlying themes or conflicts that are developmentally appropriate but worth addressing. A child who consistently struggles with transitions, for example, might benefit from extra support around issues of control and predictability.

Being both a therapist and a parent has taught me that the most sophisticated psychological theories mean little without genuine love, patience, and presence. The psychoanalytic framework provides valuable insights into childhood development, but it must be balanced with intuition, sociocultural awareness, and the unique needs of each individual child.

Remember that parenting is itself a developmental process. Just as our children grow and change, so too do we as parents. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this complex, rewarding journey, knowing that your commitment to understanding and supporting your child's emotional world is one of the greatest gifts you can provide.

If you’re looking for a personal, practical next step, I’d love to talk with you about how these ideas fit your life. Visit my website: https://thetrueinneryou.com for a complimentary consultation. We can explore your values, goals, and the small, meaningful changes that can make a real difference. I’m here to listen, reflect with you, and tailor guidance that feels doable and true to who you are.